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Parenting and Parachuting

November 14, 2011 / / 6 Comments /

Being a parent is like jumping out of an airplane. You only get one chance to get it right. The thrill of beginning the journey is replaced by a hope that everything lands on target. Pam and I today are out of the plane, the rip cord has been pulled and we are drifting slowly down to the target zone. We are not experts, but we are experienced.

Not long ago, I was asked to consider writing a parenting book. I laughed. They were serious. I laughed again. I told them, no one should write a book on parenting until all their kids were out of the house and successfully launched into adulthood. In fact, the toughest part of parenting may be the time your kids leave the house until they are married or launched. We still have that part of the journey ahead of us.

Our kiddos are 13 and 11, so I have just started enjoying the world of teenager. Notice, I did not say I “dread” the teenage years. I believe we mostly get what we speak and expect, so I am speaking and expecting that Abram and Callie will be awesome teenagers.

Looking back on the toddler and elementary years, Pam and I made a lot of mistakes, but got a few things right. Here are a few insights that I hope are helpful.

1. Be predictable when they are young. Most bad behaviors with little ones happen at 2pm in a Wal-Mart or at 9pm in a restaurant. That’s because they should be napping and sleeping at those times, not in aisle 3 or at a Red Robin.

2. Get control of bad manners as soon as they recognize the Queen’s English. It is a lot easier to wrestle their rebellion to the ground when they are in onesy’s  than when they are wanting to borrow your car. We demand Abram and Callie say “yes m’am” and “no m’am”, “please” and “thank you” with no exceptions. Old school, maybe, but I don’t like brats, especially in my house.

3. Both our kids are taught to respond immediately to us when we call their name. When they are older, I suspect they will respond as quickly when God whispers to them.

4. Our kids are required to greet us when we come home. We also greet them when they come home. If they ignore my entrance, whatever TV show or game that is distracting them, gets turned off.

5. We laugh a lot at our house. Make sure you enter their world, learn their jokes, and giggle with them, even if it’s over really silly stuff.

6. Learn their love language. Read Gary Chapman’s book, “The Five Love Languages” to learn how your child primarily gives and receives love. It will change your relationship for the better, I promise.

7. Model a passionate lifestyle of following Jesus.  Our kids are paying a lot more attention to what we do and say than we think. Passionate parents most often produce passionate children. Breaking News – You don’t have to have amazing family devotions every single night, either. Take a deep breath. Live it and they will catch it.

8. Go on dates with your daughters and adventures with your sons. One on one time is super important. They must know that they are individuals with immense importance to you.

9. Give them responsibilities that have rewards for being obedient and consequences for missing the mark. I have these same responsibilities as an adult. It’s called a job.

10. Slow down the pace and savor their innocence. I know your kid is probably going to write the next great concerto, but that insane schedule you have them on every week is not fun for you or them. Let them be kids with a lot of space to breathe and play. Let them have a sabbath, too. The 10 commandments are for everyone.

What have you learned along the way?

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Confronting Sin in the Local Church

November 7, 2011 / / 4 Comments /

A man in our church came to me recently with a heavy heart. His daughter was married to a man who had recently been caught in adultery. The couple went to another church here in town and the father contacted their pastor to see if he would confront his son-in-law on this obvious sin. The pastor refused, not seeing it as his duty. What? Not his duty? If we’re really pastors, it’s actually one of our primary responsibilities, especially if we love the people we lead.

Not surprisingly, fewer and fewer church leaders are willing to go to people who are living in open sin and confront them. Why? Do we lack the courage? Are we ignoring the biblical mandate as leaders to protect the innocent from the harmful?

Many times in my role as pastor and elder, I have had hard meetings with people in the church. I never look forward to them and I certainly get no joy from them, but they are super necessary if the church is to remain healthy. In fact, some of the great spiritual breakthroughs I’ve experienced as a leader have happened after I had dealt scripturally with sin issues. God tends to show up in churches where there is repentance, grace and spiritual health.

Primarily, I believe elders and pastors have a responsibility to graciously confront people in three key areas.

1. Unrepentant Sin

“But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. WIth such a man do not even eat. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. Expel the wicked man from among you.” 1 Corinthians 5:11-13 NIV

Paul is talking about people who are aware of their disobedience, but refuse to repent and change their behavior. Obviously Paul is not talking about moral perfection, but he is challenging us to confront people so they can turn away from the very things that will destroy their lives. Compassion, not angry judgment, is the motivation for challenging their behavior. Notice, also, that Paul is not talking about confronting unbelievers, who show up to explore Jesus in our churches. We must love them and model grace, by all means. He is talking about people who call themselves Christians, but are purposely being deceitful.

2. Divisive Behavior

“Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him.” Titus 3:10 NIV

Nothing welcomes the work of the Holy Spirit into a church more than unity. That’s why it is so important to protect it. Divisiveness occurs when people are more concerned about winning an argument than building a friendship. Divisive people do not want an honest debate or to possibly be enlightened by new information, they want to win at all costs. Divisive people are the most difficult to confront because they normally enjoy angry debates, but we still must go to them for their sake and the health of the fellowship.

3. Heresy or false teaching

“As I urged you when I went into Macedonia, stay there in Ephesus so that you may command certain men not to teach false doctrines any longer nor to devote themselves to myths and endless genealogies. These promote controversies rather than God’s work – which is by faith.” I Timothy 1:3-4

I remember when I was on staff at Gateway Church, in the early days when only a few hundred were attending, a young couple asked to meet with me. We were sitting at an I-Hop restaurant, and they told me they did not believe in the virgin birth, but they still wanted to lead one of our small groups. I told them as nicely as possible that they were certainly welcome to attend, but they could not lead or influence others while believing such doctrine. I never saw them again, and that is a bummer, but I am also thankful that the flock I was assigned to protect was able to hear sound teaching from group leaders.

As a pastor, I get to participate in a lot of great events like weddings, baby dedications, sermons on Sunday, leading worship at the Lord’s table and singing together as a worshipping family. However, shepherds are not only suppose to lead sheep beside still waters, but also protect them from wolves when needed. It is not warm, fuzzy or fun, but it is a clear mandate from the Chief Shepherd, without a doubt.

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Every Church Needs a Dad

October 31, 2011 / / 2 Comments /

This past weekend, Pastor Jimmy Evans from Trinity Fellowship Church in Amarillo, Tx., spoke at New Life while I was at his church speaking for him. Pastor Jimmy is more than a guest, he is an Overseer for our fellowship. Overseers are men who serve the church at the request of the elders and help us with wise counsel and guidance when needed, which in our case, is often.

Pastor Jimmy has been my friend for over 15 years and has taught me more about healthy church leadership than any other person. Pam and I were members of Trinity Fellowship in the 1990’s and it was Pastor Jimmy who helped restore our love for the local church. When he comes to New Life, it seems like dad has arrived for a visit to his grown son’s house.

Every church needs a dad like Pastor Jimmy and every pastor needs a friend they can call and ask “dad” questions. Most pastors have peers who come hang out or speak from time to time and some have younger men they are mentoring, but most leaders are void of the voice of a dad in their lives.

I suppose the church is a mere reflection of our culture, where dads are primarily distant, disconnected or nowhere to be found. The early Christ followers certainly realized the strength of the apostles and elders who led them and would have never considered a church to be healthy if spiritual dads were not around.

When dad is present in the family, sons tend to thrive in the safety of a relationship that is there to encourage and challenge them. Dads have the gift to remind us of our calling, our heritage and to confirm the potential we think see inside ourselves.

New Life is blessed to have Jimmy Evans, Tom Lane, Jack Hayford, Robert Morris and Larry Stockstill as Overseers. We are thankful they said yes to being dads for our church. We need their voices and their visits more than ever.

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Fake Trophies

October 24, 2011 / / 6 Comments /

My two kids have dozens of medals and trophies and they have never won a championship of any kind. They have played soccer, basketball, volleyball, baseball and Taekwondo and have rarely ever played a game or competed in a match where the score was kept and a winner and a loser determined at the end.

By the time I was 13, I knew firsthand the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. I remember missing a jump shot in a 1st grade basketball game that would have won my team the game. That moment of failure did not scar me, instead it made me shoot hundreds of jump shots on a basketball rim that was nailed to a pine tree in my back yard. I wanted to get better, so the next time I was in the position to win or lose, I would hit the shot.

I understand the dark underbelly of competition and the ugliness it can unleash in parents and coaches. But I am afraid we are raising a generation of kids who are convinced by enormous evidence that winning and losing doesn’t matter, when in fact, it does. I believe our kids have very little motivation to get better, to practice, to overcome because everyone gets the same trophy – a fake trophy.

Meanwhile, we are left scratching our heads when the 20-somethings are still living in our basements with no plan to ever leave or achieve. I believe one of the big reasons our young men drift aimlessly through a decade of apathy is because they have not learned how to compete, the value of being challenged, and the lessons learned only through abject failure. The worst thing we can do for our children is to always make life easy for them.

Between 1940 and 1970, we sent people to space, invented computers, created suburbia and revolutionized automobile technology. The people of this age were a generation that had survived a world war, been challenged in combat, and had grandparents that had survived the Great Depression. Competition was a celebrated part of the culture. Heroes were honored and grace was given to the defeated. Losers learned tough lessons and winners had to practice harder to stay on top. It was an age of hard work, innovation, and persistence in the face of great challenges.

We can still recapture some of these values and we can start by not handing out any more fake trophies. We cannot allow our kids to quit a sport, a subject, or even a relationship just because it is too hard and they may fail. A handful of trophies earned is much better than the many given for just showing up.

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NFL Coaches, Disrespect, and the Men of our Church

October 17, 2011 / / 4 Comments /

Two NFL coaches who could not amicably shake hands after a close game made headlines recently.  Jim Harbaugh is the coach of the San Francisco 49ers and Jim Schwartz is the coach of the Detroit Lions and their two teams played each other in a close game that finished in pretty dramatic fashion, ending the Lion’s perfect season. Harbaugh is seen on camera right after the game ended, shouting and jumping, celebrating a win for his team.

Moments later, the two head coaches met in the middle of the field to shake hands, but Harbaugh, caught up in the exuberant moment, shook Schwartz’s hand really hard and patted him on the back with the force of a mule kick. The Detroit coach took exception and the two got into a heated argument before being separated.

As I watched, I thought about Emerson Eggerich and his book, Love and Respect. I usually don’t think of marriage books during NFL games, but I was tired and had eaten a spicy chicken sandwich for lunch. In his book, my friend talks about the greatest need for men is respect and the greatest need for women is love. When Harbaugh broke post-game protocol with the rough handshake and shove, it was a sign of disrespect, whether that was his intention or not.

Disrespect is many times dangerous and often lethal. There are many men in prison today who committed awful crimes simply because someone did something that dishonored them or made them look bad in front of others. Disrespect is the gateway to some of the worst possible emotions locked up in a man.

I am writing this as a reminder to myself to make sure I honor and respect the men God has called me to pastor. What can I do to show more respect to our men and thereby earn the right to help shape them into better Christ followers?

1. Ask for their advice. Nothing shows more respect than asking someone for their opinion on important matters.

2. Listen to what they say. Asking for their advice is no good if we never actually use it. Men can smell patronization quicker than their own dirty socks.

3. Empower them to lead. Men want to know that pastors trust them with serious spiritual leadership and not just see them as a walking checkbook or potential volunteer.

4. Go to their world. Show up at their business to visit and talk as much as you want them to show up at the church buildings. Hang out and ask questions about what’s important to them.

5. Talk to them every Sunday and not just on Father’s Day. Use sermon language that is engaging to them and relevant to their world. Let them know you see them and believe in what God is doing in them.

Men are hungry for God and for the most part, want to grow as Christ followers. They just need a little honor to move them off the starting line. It’s not more complicated than that and I mean that with all due respect.

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Reflections from a weekend in the mountains

October 10, 2011 / / 0 Comments /

I spent this past weekend at a spectacular mountain retreat center near Winter Park, Colorado with over 200 men who help me lead and pastor our church. We ate together, prayed together, worshipped together and discussed several big ideas. Oh yeah, we also watched LSU beat Florida like a 2-year old at Wal-Mart. But, I digress.

Friday night was a detox night for all of us. We spent a couple of hours with just song and Spirit guiding us. It was really refreshing to unwind, completely untangled from any agenda, service plans, or time restraints.

Saturday morning, we unpacked a definition of pastor. We used Eugene Peterson’s beautiful explanation: “To pay attention and call attention to what God is doing in people and between people.” We talked about “paying attention” and being alert as leaders of our homes and leaders within the fellowship.

Saturday night, we explored the steps all of us take toward sonship with the Prodigal Son story from Luke 15 as our backdrop. My five steps to sonship are:

1. I had no idea.

2. God knows me.

3. I belong to Him.

4. I have nothing to prove.

5. I will treat others the way He treats me.

Sunday morning, was really special as we gathered around the sacraments of bread and juice and remembered that we are “more than just conquerors”. We are rulers and governors of the land that has been assigned to us.

I loved the time with old friends and enjoyed meeting some new ones. Good days are ahead for the people of New Life and I am thrilled to be a part.

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Random Monday Thoughts on Preaching Styles

October 3, 2011 / / 11 Comments /

Pastors tend to spend a lot of time obsessing about preaching and teaching, while the rest of society thinks about it, like never. But, it’s Monday and I spoke at New Life yesterday and still wonder if I’m any good, (this is the part that is supposed to motivate you to give me a lot of compliments), but Pam and the kids thought it was great and that’s most important.

Anyway, about a year ago, I underwent a philosophical shift in the way I preach each week. For years, I was a part of a world that primarily taught sermon series on various topics for 4-6 weeks, each series complete with a cool logo, title and sermon bumper (that is the trendy video that plays right before the pastor magically appears on stage).

Strengths of the sermon series approach to preaching:

1. You can tackle topics that are important to the congregation in a timely way. For example, if marriages seem to be struggling, you can talk about marriage, etc.

2. You can go deeper on topics that need extra time to teach, like eschatology (that’s a fancy preacher word that means the end times).

Weaknesses:

1. You can skip over the hard topics and just talk about the happy ones. In other words, we can talk about the blessings without talking about suffering or sacrifice.

2. You can drain the life out of your creative team trying to be better or more clever than the last series. Cool one word titles can slide down the cheese hill really quick. Our title for the teachings from Luke is … Luke.

My approach for the past year is to walk through books of the Bible story by story, capturing all the big ideas of the book. I have preached through Ephesians, 1 Peter, and for the past 30 weeks, through Luke. I plan to tackle Acts for the first part of 2012.

Strengths of the book approach:

1. You cannot skip over the hard topics. The past two weeks I have taught out of Luke 16, which focuses on two difficult topics for most pastors — hell and money.

2. Hermeneutics (another fancy word for studying the Bible) is embraced more completely.  Who wrote the passage? Who was he talking to? Why did he use specific language? What was going on in the culture at the time?

3. You have to teach on all the topics and ideas that Jesus and the apostle’s taught their churches and followers. It builds a more complete disciple in the long run (just my opinion, but it is my blog).

Weaknesses:

1. Missed opportunities to preach about topics that are trending socially. For example, on the 10-year anniversary of 9/11, we were in Luke 14, which did not contain a ready made memorial message.

2. Missed opportunities to camp out for several weeks on topics that need deeper explanation.

For the record, I think both approaches have merit for the local church and it’s the job of the pastor to listen to what God is saying and obey. Don’t get stuck in a sermon rut. It is possible, and even probable, that some fresh new ideas may be exactly what all of us need.

Monday ramblings are now over. I need to sign off because Sundays come around with alarming regularity and I need to start fretting over the next sermon (leave nice comments below).

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Ministry that is Sustainable for the Long Haul

September 30, 2011 / / 1 Comment /

The burnout rate among pastors and ministry leaders is alarmingly high, but easily preventable. The number of leaders who leave ministry because of discouragement is just as high. Recently, I was talking with a long time pastor friend and we were talking about sustainability in ministry and crossing the finish line as old pastors who still loved the church. We decided there were three crucial elements that must be present for this to happen.

1. Ministry must be for the kingdom

Our motive for everything we do must be for building God’s kingdom and not our personal church empires. Sometimes, it’s hard to tell the difference, but if we keep our hearts honest, we will know when we are promoting ourselves instead of Jesus. Empire building is marked by a competitive drive to build bigger stuff, work harder than everyone else and laying the expectation on your staff to do the same. Nobody can live long term under the stress of comparison and keeping up. Families crumble, marriages turn into mirages and pastors quit out of exhaustion.

2. Ministry must be innovative

Nothing robs me of joy like being stuck in some religious church rut, shackled to traditions that are no longer fruitful. The only things that are sacred in church are the sacraments, the scriptures and our relationships. Everything else should be constantly evaluated. Wisdom says too much change is just as damaging as no change, so I am not advocating chaos. However, I am a fan of honest discussions about processes, events that are no longer relevant, and methods that need honing so people can be helped better. The Holy Spirit is always at work in our lives changing us on the inside so we can better accept the changes He wants to make on the outside.

3. Ministry must be done with friends

I usually hire people I like and I do not apologize. Ministry is too difficult not to work with people that are fun and know how to laugh. They do not have to be Brady clones, and I can even tolerate people who root for teams other than the SEC.  But if they do not know how to laugh and have some fun ever so often, they usually are not a part of my inner circle. For sure, they must have character and competency for the assignment, but an equally essential element for the team is chemistry. Sometimes, I say no to a possible hire because they just don’t fit in with the culture. I do that for their sake and mine. Friends make ministry sustainable for the long haul and that’s what I want for them and me.

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Praying With a Singing Voice

September 19, 2011 / / 3 Comments /

Not long ago, my worship was radically changed, for the better. It was not because I was listening to better music or singing more songs, instead it was because of the way I sang the songs. Rather than singing just words on a JumboTron screen, I began to pray with a singing voice.

This is not a new idea by any means. For the past 2000 years, followers of Christ have sung songs that were rich in theology and they did so with the idea that the songs were psalms that were meant to be prayed. I just feel many of us may have lost this somewhere along the way as music and songs have been reduced to a “set” or a “list”. It’s what we do before the really important stuff like preaching and teaching happens. It has become a warm-up when it was meant to be the fire.

What if the song list became a prayer list? What if worship pastors paid attention and called attention to what God was doing among the people and then responded with selections that guided the congregation into prayer, reflection, and declarations of truth? Suddenly the fellowship is not a crowd waiting to be wowed, but a spiritual force praying in unity for what God is doing on the earth at that moment, at that very time.

I imagine more people would arrive early instead of showing up halfway through the “opening act.” Worship pastors and senior pastors would be required to meet and pray, and then listen. Then maybe, the song list would become prophetic anthems, speaking encouragement, comfort and strength to followers who are desperate for a cup of cold water.

Let’s arrive early for the next gathering intent on singing only words that we really believe. Let’s trust that praying in unity with a singing voice really matters.

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Being a Better Follower

September 8, 2011 / / 2 Comments /

“Be responsive to your pastoral leaders. Listen to their counsel. They are alert to the condition of your lives and work under the strict supervision of God. Contribute to the joy of their leadership, not its drudgery. Why would you want to make things harder for them?” Hebrews 13:17 MSG

I wonder if I brought joy to the pastors I served when I was a staff member. I wonder if I am a joy to the Overseers and Elders who lead me now. I sure want to contribute to the joy of their leadership, not its drudgery. What can all of us do better to make sure we are more responsive to the leaders in our lives?

1. Pray for them always.

2. Find ways to shoulder the burden. What can I do to take stress off them? Is there something they are doing that I can do for them.

3. Show up on time. Their time is important and so is mine. Let’s honor each other’s time.

4. Only complain when we have some solutions to offer.

5. Give them grace when they do not recognize my good work. They will see my success in due time.

6. Give them sincere compliments when they do a good job. They probably feel overlooked sometimes, too.

7. Don’t listen to gossip about them. Spread good news about them. Brag on them and you won’t gossip about them.

8. Bring innovative ideas to the table. Share the burden for creativity and vision.

9. Finish the tasks assigned to you ahead of time. Never need a reminder about a deadline missed.

10. Ask for their counsel before you make a big decision. Your trust in their wisdom means a lot to them.

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