How to leave a church
There is a lot more written about growing a church than there is about leaving a church. The fact remains that many people choose to leave a fellowship and attend elsewhere and I believe the way this transition is handled determines how blessed we are in our new place of worship.
I am thinking about this because I spoke this past weekend at Gateway Church in DFW where I was a staff pastor for almost seven years. It was great to see everyone and I was welcomed back as a son who had left with a blessing.
It was like returning to my parent’s home. I am not sure all of us have had the same experiences, but Pam and I love going back to our childhood homes. The grandparents take care of the kids, we sleep a little later, we do not have to cook and we get to experience the joy of the house without carrying the burdens of the house.
I have left churches poorly in the past, but when I left Gateway in 2007, I transitioned well because some wise mentors taught me some simple principles of leaving a church.
1. Leave after telling someone
Many people just disappear from church and the rest of the people are left wondering why. Often we assume the worse and that is how gossip starts which always damaging. I believe we should have the courage to tell leaders why we are leaving and at least ask for them to pray for us as we leave. The best person to tell is a mature person in leadership who has influenced, encouraged and mentored you the most.
2. Leave after forgiving
I believe God rarely blesses a transition that happens because of hurt feelings or personal offenses. It takes more maturity to sit down and discuss issues than to leave upset. God wants us to live in authentic community which is more than just parties, laughter and ice cream socials. Authentic community requires honest discussion about misunderstandings, hurts and conflicts. I have found that people who leave one church because of hurt feelings that are unresolved normally have their feelings hurt at the new place in short order. God requires us to forgive and work through the difficulties of relationships and the best place for this to happen is in the church where we currently attend.
3. Leave with a blessing
Many times people tell me they are leaving because God told them to leave. That may be true, but it leaves little room for me to disagree with them. If I do, I am arguing with God and that never works out well. The right way to tell someone is to say, “I am sensing that God is leading me to leave but I am open to your counsel.” This changes the entire tone of the conversation. Now, the leaders get to be a part of the process and they have a chance to pray with you. Most of the time the decision remains the same and you leave the church for your next assignment. The difference is you leave with the blessings and participation of the leaders and that is really important.
When I speak about this topic, I often use the analogy of a wedding to explain my convictions. None of us would want our children to tell us they had chosen their spouse, they are leaving our home and the wedding has already happened. We may very well love the person they chose but we would be hurt that we did not get to be a part of the engagement party, the wedding celebration and the reception where we send them off to their honeymoon.
I believe the church has missed out on a lot of weddings. Transitions are common and many times, God is the one who is causing the changes to happen. I just want to see more weddings and fewer divorces.
- March 30th
What if you think heresy is involved?
We went to a very small church in the area, and after the new Pastor was there a few months (the old Pastor had “moved on”), teachings changed. Several prominent families (youth Pastor, elders) were asked to leave, although other excuses were given to the congregation at the time. These were among the most biblically literate in the church. 2 remaining elders were relatatives, and the last elder and his wife (the church founders and very respected) had come to the same conclusion we did, independently, that something wasn’t “right”. We were learning the “wisdom of men” and mystics.
We arranged a meeting with the leadership, but the Pastor refused to talk with us and we were treated rudely. They pretty much “invited” us to leave, and we did. We have forgiven them.
All to say, I am so happy to be in New Life and I think your teachings are solid gold. Not sure we handled the past church perfectly - but not sure what we could have done differently…
It just still makes me sad.
Thanks for being someone I feel I can trust…
This subject causes me to ponder the meaning of “The Body of Christ” of which we are members. Just as the human body has members (arms, for example), the Body of Christ is a people with different functions that He Himself has designated for the purpose of making the Body whole. Yet, isn’t it more comfortable to hang out with people who think like we think? So the Body becomes imbalanced. The plethora of denominations and forms of worship indicate a rebellious people who want their own way and who are determined to practice faith according to their own conscience, often using the Holy Spirit as a crutch. So instead of one Body of Christ, we have many. In a way, the Body of Christ is amputated with an arm here and a leg there…we need spiritual surgery! Just as a broken body becomes paralyzed and can only function with help, I believe that the Body of Christ is broken because of situations such as the one you have described, and others. Holy Spirit-help us, feed us, clean us, we are broken. We are stubborn individualists who think that our form of worship is the one that pleases You most. (Perhaps this was the thought of the people in the church you left.)
I, too, have left churches that I’ve felt have ‘gone awry’, but never without an exit interview. Although it helped, I still felt ‘I was right-they were wrong’. Yet Sunday after Sunday, these churches continue to have people in their pews while I secretly wish those places would just fold. (true confessions…)
Here’s my reality: I went to a church, I served, I left (for what I thought were very good reasons. Thank God that He will never leave me the way I left those churches.) But what have I learned and HAS THIS EXPERIENCE INCREASED IN ME THE MIND OF CHRIST? Am I now a woman ‘full of grace’? Personally, I’m not there yet. But Brady’s Blog, the tender admonition of the Holy Spirit, and honest confessions like yours draw me closer. Your experience from this situation is of great value in that you have felt the pain of separation. We should feel sad! This is not how it was meant to be! Our hearts feel like they’ve been stepped on by people who are supposed to love us!
So, as we suspected, there are no easy answers. Heresy, different interpretations, various forms and rituals, who is teaching truth and where do we belong? My simplistic answer is that we belong in the will of God; to love Him with all our heart and soul and to love our neighbor as ourselves. Our former fellowships included. How do I love them (regardless of how they love me)? And how will those past experiences make me more tender towards others who want to leave the church I now attend? Thanks for your comment - this is a difficult but relevant topic for the whole Body.
Pastor Brady thank you for posting this blog. We have had many people who have left our church here within the past year and most of them didn’t follow these principles. Many of those who left where hurt by leadership and did not approve of the decisions and/or actions that where made in certains situations.
How do we continue with the relationships that our families have had in the past?
Pastor Brady, I totally agree with these steps. I think though that many (?) people are hesitant, like myself for example, if I were to leave I would have to bring things up that might not be so “pleasant” for the leaders… It is difficult to address issues that has to do with how ministry is done, various observations of wrong doings and such done by leaders, I have been in leadership groups myself so I know how ideas and decisions are made and at least sometimes wrong ones and people involved suffer… I’m sure you know what I mean. I appreciate the idea of ‘we should be safe to share whatever is on our hearts’ , well, it would be wonderful if/when a church community could truly live that out! It would the ideal and I long for that too. Having been part of a very close to people me and my wife worked with in a ministry, I know it is not easy on the other hand, it is in close relationships and doing ministry together we truly grow as Christians, not just going to meetings and teachings. In true community there is a sense of safety and I wish this is to be true for everyone in NLC, it takes time to develop, and for you and the other leaders on staff you have a huge responsibility to make it happen and when it does it was worth all the hard work!
Blessings!
And yes, I almost forgot, if we leave, I will follow these guidelines, thanks!
Excellent article. Being ?real? and passionate are very important. Readers can tell when the writer cares about the subject at hand. Thank you.
Great and useful post, thanks for sharing.
thenks